Guilty of being brown

Careful, my soapbox is out and I’m standing on it.

So it appears that our US government has started denying US citizens with Hispanic names who live near the border renewal of their already existing US passports.

Apparently claiming that their US birth certificates are forged.

Why haven’t they denied white people with European names passport renewals in that same region because they too might have a forged birth certificate? Because these white people aren’t brown.

Why the FUCK do I have to write this post in 2018? Why the fuck???

Read about it HERE, it’s really happening.

So what, or who, is next? Deny my white Anglo Saxon ass who has an Irish surname a passport renewal because I don’t fuck the opposite sex? Deny someone else who might have a Jewish surname a passport renewal? What, you don’t think it could happen?

Well you had better the fuck think again.

Unless you are a white affluent conservative “chr*stian” republicass, there is a target on your back and they are coming for you. Yes unless you are all five of those you have a target on your back too, and you will pay. Oh and  “chr*stian” is misspelled, lower case and has quotes around it because in this day and time it’s simply a necessary label and no longer a moral quality. Yes I did just say that.

What can any of us do?

We can speak (while we still can) we can vote (while we still can) we can protest, talk, discuss, support, call, march, write, work, engage, relate, and most of all we must let this idiotic amoral leadership bind us together to a common cause of greater good.

I’ve had my rant. Fear, hate and anger only create more fear, hate and anger. Love, understanding and inspiration are the way to a higher level. May the Youngbloods’ 1967 classic Get Together lift us.

Molested

Repeatedly

That’s me as a young boy. You can see me now with Fearsome adorning my face as a shadow in the reflection. The small photo in the corner is my mother and brother during a happy moment of my childhood.

Dont get me wrong, my childhood wasn’t horrible. In fact it was pretty good.

But a pretty good childhood doesn’t erase the scars of sexual molestation and abuse that were endured during that childhood.

What is your earliest memory? I hope yours is a good one.

Unfortunately mine isn’t. Stop reading now if you are offended by violence or descriptions of child abuse or sexualization of the underaged.

Still here? If you are just be prepared.

I was crying, naked and hiding. I was scared. I was between the bed and the wall trying to not be found. I was holding a stuffed toy or a blanket. I felt terror.

I screamed as the faceless male pulled me from my hiding place. No one heard my scream except my attacker. I remember blood and pain from my rear end. I remember tears and I remember fear. I don’t remember anything else. I don’t remember who it was.

That is my earliest memory. I know now I was being molested, most likely raped.

The only thing I know about my abuser is it was a male. The rest is blacked out. I’ve never been able to picture his face.

Was this the first time I was sexually abused? I haven’t a clue.

It’s just my first memory. Memory was still spotty for a while after that.

Was it the last time I was sexually abused? No it was not.

During my teen years, starting about 13, I was repeatedly molested by three different males. Two of them were my teachers, one was a trusted neighbor. One I continued having sex with until I was about 17.

…..oh and all three were “straight men”….and one even gave me a constant supply of drugs to keep me coming back.

Oh, and each of these three convinced me I wanted and needed them. Two of them worked their way from suggestive petting to full blow sex.

The other just heavily petted, described what he wanted, told me what he thought I wanted, fondled me through my clothes. He seemed to get off on his verbal graphics and heavy petting without fully completing the act. He actually made me feel the dirtiest and most violated. Yes he repeated this behavior multiple, multiple times. He taught a class I needed to pass.

Why?

Why did it happen? Why is it affecting me now?

Yesterday I lost it. I broke apart. In front of a sister-in-law and in front of my mother-in-law I lost it. I threw a ham across the room after I opened the refrigerator and found it leaking all over. I then threw left over spaghetti sauce and a thawing turkey both onto the counter and against a wall,  then I blacked out into a crying heap on the floor.

I remember The Better Half getting me up and walking to get me to the bedroom. I remember tears and hyperventilating. I remember being numb.

I’m still numb this morning. The pain in my two injured shoulders is more than I can bear. I’m eating Motrin & Tylenol. I hurt all over.

I have, however, had an epiphany. I just saw the news and I suddenly remembered the news was on when I had my breakdown. I remember seeing the report that the current resident of the White House had just endorsed the senate candidate from Alabama who is accused of molesting underaged girls.

Could it be? Did I fall victim to my own experience upon hearing the news that the current White House resident endorsed a child molester? Endorsed a child molester just because he is republican?

Can anger come to full rage causing a full breakdown after news such as this?  I think so.

Abusing children is wrong. A big part of my life struggle is to make sense of why others would hurt me, or any child, to accomplish their own pleasure.

Did the leader of our country just endorse an accused abuser of children? He endorsed abuser accused by more than one? He endorsed a person who stole the innocence of children for his own pleasure,  just for political gain and party loyalty?

Yes, the acting leader of our country endorsed an accused, by more than one, child molester for political party gain. Yes, and I went into full breakdown. Yes my life experience and PTSD got the best of me and overcame my serenity and almost my sanity.

How do I recover? How do I get better after a full blown breakdown?

I start by writing this post.

Child molestation is wrong. It is wrong period.

The scars I have hurt. May they, from this day forward, only make me stronger. I was a victim. Today I’ll be a survivor.

Today I will speak out. I will speak up.

Today I will take a step out of the darkness.

“Bigotry or White supremacy, in any form, is blasphemy against the American creed” …George W. Bush

Fearsome and I hereby express our gratitude to our 43rd President for standing up and speaking out. It’s about time that leaders, current and past, of our country say something. There is a point of silence at which they become complicit and will therefore be just as guilty as the perpetrators of the crime.

Kudos George W. Bush for speaking out today. May his inspiration lead others to step in line behind true American values. The moral ground of our democracy is at stake.

If you haven’t watched or heard this speech do yourself a favor and hit play. It’s worth your time no matter what your political affiliation.

Saturday reflection

Emotions, feelings, anger, dismay and confusion swirl. What a week.

Monday morning. Dammit, not again.

Tuesday. What the fuck?

Wednesday. Talk about it now. Not later, now.

Thursday. Fatigue sets in.

Friday afternoon. Fuck you. No, seriously Fuck You!

You see in light of all the serious matters needing the attention of our government this week, the  elf in charge of the department of justice issued a sweeping federal directive stating that it is perfectly ok for anyone to discriminate against me if they claim a deeply held religious belief. Oh, and let us not miss that fact that Thursday availability of contraception took a hit. A big hit.

The women and the fags both got hit in wake of Puerto Rico and Las Vegas.

Ok, it’s true that most of my life I’ve already been subject to discrimination. I’m kind of used to it. I’m a fag and have been for more than 50 years. I’ve been taunted, teased, bullied and beaten as long as I can remember for being different. A sissy, fag, queer, gay, unfit, pervert, girly boy, dirty, disgusting, nellie, queen, cock sucker, fairy, fruit, pansy, faggot, homosexual, sodomite, poofter, light in the loafers, homo. A real non-entity. Hell I’m even a loud proud real non-entity.

So a directive, directed square at me. I’m not surprised. Weasels (read cowards) always wait until everyone is distracted to do their dirty work.

Women need access to contraception. Faggots deserve equality. Seems as if neither of us have either. Women are as equal to white straight men as us queers are, and that means they ain’t.

This queen stands with Latinos, emigrants, blacks, Jews, women, Muslims, queers, disabled, transsexuals, Asians, Africans, native Americans, middle eastern, atheist, pastafarians, documented, un-documented, dreamers, poor, forgotten, addicted, needy, sick, unemployed. I stand with our planet, our environment.

The question is do all y’all stand with me?

Directives that discriminate against me? Seen them, lived them and will stand up to and against them. I’ve already been around this block numerous times.

Discrimination in the name of a religion destroys a society. We had made good progress. We can make more. Don’t become complacent nor complicit. Say something. Stand for your morals and your ethics. Stand for your truth.

The Stonewall Inn circa 1969, the calm before the storm.

Good people

Good people with good values and respectable morals step up to the plate.

When Washington fails it’s own American people we must pick up the slack. Looks like our LGBT celebrities know just how to start.

Race

If you don’t think this is about Race,

Then you ain’t never been on the receiving end of discrimination.

And if you don’t believe this is about race,

Then you need to look up and read the definition of Racial Genocide.

Puerto Rico is the United States. Puerto Rican’s are Americans just like Texans and Floridians. Apparently the current leader of our federal government doesn’t recognize this. Could it be perhaps they aren’t, as a majority, white Anglo saxon of Western European decent?

Yes I went there. I went there because at this point it is becoming blatantly obvious.

Values

These days our corporations have had to take the lead on values, morals and respect.

At this moment I’m grateful for Walmart.

I never thought I’d ever write those words. I feel at this moment in history I need to.

Values

“A Nation should not be judged by how it treats its highest citizens, but it’s lowest ones”― Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom

 

“We’re all human, aren’t we? Every human life is worth the same, and worth saving.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

 

“Good works is giving to the poor and the helpless, but divine works is showing them their worth.” ― Criss Jami, Killosophy

 

“Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.”
― Albert Einstein

 

“No one has ever become poor by giving.”
― Anne Frank, diary of Anne Frank

 

“Don’t tell me what you value, show me your budget, and I’ll tell you what you value.”
― Joe Biden

 

“Those who don’t value their words, will never value your wishes.”
― Amit Kalantri, Wealth of Words

 

-Some Fearsome thoughts-                                                                                                                                  …It is time I again contemplated values. My values, good values, value of others, value of the material and value of the spiritual. Contemplation helps me to re-enforce my core beliefs and personal morals. I post these quotes for inspiration from words that resonate with me.

I’ve found in my life that by living my values, I lead by example. In some way we all lead others and in some way we all follow others. I sincerely hope I follow good ones and that those I lead have found a good leader. Each day I must try to simply do my best. I must strive to do good and share goodness.

We can each make the world a better place. We simply have to start with ourselves and start right where we are.

Why not start right now?