Blast from the past

There but for the Grace of God By Machine is quite the toe tapper. It always gets Fearsome swinging to it’s 1979 disco beat.

There but for the Grace of God, although fictitious lyrics, reminds us that the human nature of fear often drives unfounded racism.

Fear, False Evidence Appearing Real.

It is the weekend, get your toe tappin’ and your tush swinging. It’s time to dance.

Nightmare

One of my issues with nightmares is that I cannot scream. I’m left defenseless in alerting anyone within hearing distance that I’m in distress. It is impossible for me to call for help as I’m only able to muster an almost inaudible whine or moan. All the while the terror continues and I’m trapped unable to vocalize or alert anyone.

Last night was another one of those moments. I was laying on my back with my hands clasp across my abdomen in a wonderful slumber when I was awakened, in my dream, by an alien the size of my hand landing on the back of it. It was the right hand as it was clasp on top of the left. The alien immediately started injecting venom into the back of my hand through quills extending out of its small body. The alien had control of my hand and I could not move it. The pain was minimal the paralysis frightening.

Once again I couldn’t scream but only make a faint moan while trying to yell for help. I tried and tried to squirm away and finally from my struggle I was able to make a slight movement as I woke up with a slightly audible whimper. Needless to say getting back to sleep, once I realized that my recent vivid experience was but another nightmare, was not an easy task. My adrenaline was flowing and even though there was nothing on the back of my hand, fear was present.

Fear that next time I need help I will not be able to vocalize my need. Fear that I’ll be paralyzed. Fear that what I had just experienced was actually real.

Pain, Death, Depression, Anxiety …and Hope

Let me just lay it all out on the table.

Most of the time I spend my Bearded life on the sunny side. Optimist, Pollyanna, Light Hearted, Happy, Positive, Uplifting …these are just a few adjectives that come to mind when I think of how I prefer to live my life.

I truly believe that most of the time I can stay in the positive mindset.

However at this moment I am being realistic. By realistic I mean that I have to admit I am not perfect therefore I will occasionally stumble. My stumble is a slip into negativity. Realistically I can stay positive for the majority of my experience with a rare and short lived negative experience.

My post surgical arm hurts bad this morning. The bicep burns. It woke me up at midnight, I found myself in a pool of sweat and laying there for an hour before giving up and taking a pain pill. I hate pain pills. I am recovering from a head cold. My Big Brother is still a breathing corpse with my poor mother, his wife, my nephew and the Middle Brother all there on death watch. All I can do now is call them and offer long distance support.

This morning I found myself in pain, feeling defeated, feeling helpless, crying, sweating and overwhelmed with anxiety.

Right now I sit on the couch after a good conversation with my friend Catherine. She helped to calm me as does Abner, my little one eyed poodle, who rests in my lap.

This is life. I must walk through it. Most times are good. Once in a great while things will be less than preferred. I must accept that life, like myself, is not perfect.

I now choose to move on as this too shall pass. I choose to inhale. I choose calm. I choose to go with the flow and accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and to work toward the wisdom to know the difference.

Through my current illusion of fear, may I find the truth of hope.

FDR’s vision

No doubt that Franklin Roosevelt left a legacy. In my opinion, a good legacy. Three terms through one of the roughest periods in our history.

The Roosevelt monument moved me. A beautiful place full of inspirations ever reminding us that we are a community that must care for all in the community.

A few quotes that I wish to remember, I share.

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“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself” ….. Franklin D. Roosevelt

Illusions of the mind

I mentioned in Monday’s post my close encounter with lightning. The experience of the lightening strike has been a positive one. What stands out to me is the lack of fear.

The immediate thought was “Wow, Did lightening just strike the plane?”

No fear, just amazement. It was loud. It was blinding light. It was a split second. The sound was what I would imagine the volume of an engine blowing up. The whole cabin shook with it.

I also mentioned in that post I was reading Eckart Tolle’s The Power Of Now. I was reading the passage below at that very moment:

“When you create a problem, you create pain. All it takes is a simple choice, a simple decision: no matter what happens, I will create no more pain for myself. I will create no more problems. Although it is a simple choice, it is also very radical. You won’t make that choice unless you are truly fed up with suffering, unless you have truly had enough. And you won’t be able to go through with it unless you access the power of Now. If you create no more pain for yourself, then you create no more pain for others. You also no longer contaminate the beautiful Earth, your inner space, the collective human psyche with the negativity of problem making.”

I could have freaked out. I could have created my own problem. My problem fed energy could have infected others. I didn’t. I couldn’t change what had just happened, I was powerless over what had happened. I only had power as to my reaction to it. I started to read more, then decided to contemplate the paragraph I had just read. The turbulence continued as the rain pounded the window of the plane and downtown San Diego came into view. The flight became smooth as the rain ceased and the sun appeared over the city. The plane gently touched down on the runway.

I listened in on a pilot who was in the passenger cabin as he talked with several other passengers at the luggage carousel. He confirmed it was a direct lightening strike. People were shaken up, but we were all ok.

I’ve changed a lot from the guy a few years back who couldn’t sit in anything but an aisle seat because of the intense fear of seeing how far we were above the ground from the window. A man who used to create fear in his mind and believe it was real, when it was only a mind made illusion.

…Fearsome continues to grow.