Beacons

Lighthouses serve both as a warning for hidden hazards laying just beneath a surface and as an indicator that a safe harbor awaits beyond.

Throughout life I have noticed beacons which helped me avoid the unseen, yet often due to various circumstances I overlooked a warning and found myself stranded on the rocks.

I am human, I am fallible.

However in each unfortunate circumstance when I have missed the warnings, or ignored them, I have found a safe harbor nearby.

In that safe harbor I can pause, reflect, heal, learn and grow.

Often it’s nothing specific that causes me to loose sight of the beacon ahead.

Life is. Life is busy. Life is distracting. Life is confusing. Life is exhilarating. Life is overwhelming. Life is fun. Life is troubling. Life is good. Life is hard. Life is sad. Life is hilarious. Life is love. Life is experience. Life is rewarding. Life is disappointing. Life is experiences. Life is unexpected. Life is unexplainable. Life is laughter. Life is imperfect. Life is. Life is. Life is.

My dear 17 year old Mitzi, our 5 pound chihuahua/poodle mix, is facing her next horizon. A horizon in which I can no longer watch her nor protect her. Each day with her has been a blessing from a power of love beyond any power that I can create. Each moment left is a treasure that I am grateful for. When her moment of transition arrives, I pray that I can set her free feeling the love that she, and her creator, blessed me with for all these years and continue to feel her love that will be with me always.

There are many hazards in the waters surrounding me at this time I my life. Some I am aware of, others I am/was blind to. I commit to learning to first forgive myself for my shortcomings and to open my eyes to the blessings, the beacons, the love, the gift of my life.

I commit to heal, to learn, to grow and to accept my imperfections.

Clawing out

Sometimes, in order to get out of a hole that which I have found myself, it feels as if I am clawing my way out of the darkness even though I cannot see any light. I have found that as I claw my way it is important for me to be open to see any cracks, or even pin holes, of light and appreciate these as inspiration to keep clawing my way out. Keep clawing even if these pin holes aren’t the solution or direction in which I should go.

Inspiration lifts me. I must allow it to do so.

The pit of darkness in which I have found myself is of my own making. I make it through overwhelm due to the choices I make as to how I perceive the world around me. Choices as to how I react to others, to politics, to situations, to emotions, to comments, to work, to stress, to joy, to sadness, to love, to criticism, to direction, to you, to my thoughts, to weather, to …

Perception, like everything else in our revolving universe, cycles. This, too, shall pass.

I can choose to hasten this passing by allowing little things to lift me. This morning I choose to allow my locality of living’s politics to shine a pin hole of light inspiration into my life as I claw my way back into the light in which I prefer to live.

As I sit in the United lounge in the San Diego airport awaiting my delayed flight out I read our local paper. To my delight below the coverage of last nights national prime time spectacle of absurd news, I find that my local government has voted to take it upon themselves to assist the asylum seekers awaiting at the international border into our city.

Pin hole of light I see.

I allow it to uplift me.

I smile. I feel better.

I believe that good overpowers bad. I believe that love beats hate. I believe that kindness conquers intolerance. I believe that light eliminates darkness.

I believe that vulnerability allows us to be seen as we truly are, as the truly the imperfect flawed beings that we are. I believe that through exposing our own vulnerability we demonstrate the courage it takes to be, to be ourselves.

I am me and I’m not perfect. However I am worthy, I am courageous, I am beautiful,  I am and I can.

I can do anything. Right now I make a choice. I choose light.

Dark Tunnels

It happens.

The tunnel, it surrounds.

Many years ago it was overwhelming and I couldn’t deal with it. The tunnel would encompass my being, my consciousness and shut my life down.

These days it’s passing, fleeting. I feel it. It’s like pressure surrounding my head. Vision impairs and I can’t hold my head up. Then it passes as quickly as it came over me.

I don’t know exactly how I switched it a number of years ago. I do remember the year, 2006. I woke up and realized that it had been gone for awhile and without my anti-depressants as I had forgetten to take them. It just wasn’t there. I was ok and I was of meds. I somehow had switched.

Since the the darkness of the tunnel has re-appeared, as it has today, but fleetingly. I’m glad it’s no longer paralyzing.

I know that in 2006 I decided to live for the future and not wallow in the past. I believe that’s what helped facilitate my change.

Today I hold my head up.

Argent – Hold Your Head Up – The Midnight Special 1973

One step at a time

One foot in front of the other.

So yesterday, much to Fearsome’s embarrassment, I purged. I purged all over this here blog thingy. Yep just spewed negative vitrol as if I was a sorority pledge after her first frat party who was lucky enough her closest friend was there to hold her hair back.

Thanks to all y’all for being that close friend.

Fearsome is proud of me for the few lines of wisdom that closed that post:

“I must remember that I am the only one who chooses my thoughts, perceptions and reactions. I am the only one in control of my beliefs. I am shaped by my thoughts, perceptions and reactions which in turn help me define my beliefs. What I think right now, can and will become my tomorrow. The only way to change tomorrow is to change my thoughts today. My thoughts really do become reality.”

After my purge I took a step. I put a DVD in of a favorite motivational film. I meditated. I went to a meeting. I talked, laughed, shared and smiled. I felt better.

Today the next foot takes a step forward. I already see the sunshine outside. I can tell it’s going to be a beautiful day.

Today needs a soundtrack. I know just the tune. It’s one from my childhood. It makes me smile.

Darkness

I don’t often write about depression. I try my best to always stay on the sunny side. I believe that on which we focus our energy is what we will experience the most. I prefer a positive outlook and experience, thus I focus my energies on that path and rarely on the other.

I do believe in feeling ones feelings in order to heal and move on from situations or moods that are less that Pollyanna. I’m less than Pollyanna at the moment.

I’ve avoided writing about it, as I just expressed my belief about focus. Yet I also just conveyed the necessity to allow feelings as a method toward healing. I recognize this moment’s need to heal.

There are circumstances beyond my control which affect my psyche that are now coupled with frustrations in the s-l-o-w and sometimes painful recovery that is my shoulder surgery, the trickiness of a fifty something lower back that due to surgery recovery misses its regular yoga (read: spasms, sciatica & pain), the persistent pain of the overused other shoulder, recent death of my brother,  a lackluster year of sales performance and the mounting pile of work ahead.

Another blogger just posted about playing the slots. This week when I pulled my one arm bandit’s handle instead of a line full of cherries, my playline came up with all the forementioned jokers.

Once upon a time I experienced a long lasting depression that required medications and regular counseling. Those days are long gone. For many a year now the occasional depressive cycle is short lived, say a week at maximum, and thankfully rare.

I had almost forgotten the darkness. The utter black darkness.

My experience of depression manifests as follows…

…Everything appears darker as in a lack of light. It is harder for me to see and I mean physically see. I can only see a small area in front of me as if I have blinders on and peripheral vision is completely lost. I feel as if I am in a tunnel. I feel closed in as in claustrophobic. Everything is slow. Then everything is fast and I am slow. I cannot focus on tasks or thoughts or vision. I think irrational thoughts. I feel isolated. I cry easily. I take things personally. I loose my sense of purpose and motivation.  I think about self harm (no worries I don’t do). I wonder why? I hurt. Every task seems hard. I’m easily distracted. I get anxious then complacent all in one moment. I want to nap. My temper is short. I am self conscious. Everything is my fault. I’m deafeated. Color drains from my world and my usual sense of wonder is replaced with a sense of doom.

If you are new to Fearsome Beard you may be clicking off of here about now.

Don’t.

This is not our typical post. This is a cleansing.

How do I now change my mental state? How do I flip my switch? How do I get back to me? How do I regain that fun loving positive smiling wonder filled person that I love?

I take a step. Today I decided that step is to come clean and reveal that my beloved Pollyanna state that I relish is just that. It’s a state, a cycle, a mood, an outlook, a feeling that I move in and out of. It is a state that I choose. It is a state that I can manifest and spend MOST of my life experience in, however my experience does cycle. I am human. I am not perfect. I can only improve myself as I’ll never perfect myself.

Hell, I would never want to be perfect.

I have shared in previous posts about vulnerability and my belief that we can develope strength through vulnerability. I am vulnerable right now. May this vulnerability build just a little tiny bit more strength in the fabric of me. Through sharing, may this vulnerablity touch someone else.

The best, and truthfully only, way out of any dark hole is to start to climb. Often if I can give or be of service to others along that climb I find the climb easier and faster. When I find something, just one thing, I can be grateful for … that will bring gratitude into the climb which will make it even easier. If I can be kind to myself and forgive myself for simply being human, my climb becomes more efficient.

I must remember that I am the only one who chooses my thoughts, perceptions and reactions. I am the only one in control of my beliefs. I am shaped by my thoughts, perceptions and reactions which in turn help me define my beliefs. What I think right now, can and will become my tomorrow. The only way to change tomorrow is to change my thoughts today. My thoughts really do become reality.