Close to you

I am at loss for words when it comes to the  memories this song brings to me. I was young and hadn’t yet gotten to the age of falling in love. Yet this song gave me a comfort, and a glimpse of what romance must be just from the beauty of the music. I knew every single word of this song and could sing it from start to finish. Of corse I could because I had listened to it daily on my handheld transistor radio. A radio I still have to this day.

Still in its carrying case.

The station you ask? Oh that would have been AM 1240 WROV. The radio? Yes it still works. It was at my side for years and even survived a few bicycle crashes. My brother found it in a drawer when cleaning out our mother’s house after I moved her out here to live with me. He saved it from the sale for me as he knew how much I treasured it as a young boy.

I post the tune today as I can’t think of a better song to wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day. I send you love and hope that you in turn spread love to everyone you see and touch today.

Carpenters – (They Long To Be) Close To You – 1970

Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you
Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you
On the day that you were born the angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold and starlight in your eyes of blue
That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you
On the day that you were born the angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold and starlight in your eyes of blue
That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you
Wa, close to you
Wa, close to you
Ha, close to you
La, close to you
(….oh and yes Karen was not only the vocalist, but also the drummer. )

The Bell That Couldn’t Jingle

Pure childhood nostalgia describes what this holiday tune is for me. Dad loved both Burt Bacharach and Herb Albert so this was a holiday staple at our house. Hearing it still invokes the excitement of the approaching visit of Santa. 

Herb Albert – The Bell That Couldn’t Jingle – 1968 – written by Burt Bacharach 

A Christmas bell was cryin’ and Santa heard it say
I just can’t seem to jingle and I can’t go on the sleigh
Then Santa soon discovered the reason that it cried
The bell that couldn’t jingle, it had nothin’ there inside
Then Santa said
“Jack Frost will bring my Christmas gift to you
And on Christmas Eve, you’ll jingle
Just like you were brand new”
Then Jack Frost froze a teardrop
So each time that it swayed
The bell that couldn’t jingle, it went jingling all the way
The bell that couldn’t jingle, it went jingling all the way
Then Santa said
“Jack Frost will bring my Christmas gift to you
And on Christmas Eve, you’ll jingle
Just like you were brand new”
Then Jack Frost froze a teardrop
So each time that it swayed
The bell that couldn’t jingle, it went jingling all the way
The bell that couldn’t jingle, it went jingling all the way
It went jingling all the way, it went jingling all the way

 

Molested

Repeatedly

That’s me as a young boy. You can see me now with Fearsome adorning my face as a shadow in the reflection. The small photo in the corner is my mother and brother during a happy moment of my childhood.

Dont get me wrong, my childhood wasn’t horrible. In fact it was pretty good.

But a pretty good childhood doesn’t erase the scars of sexual molestation and abuse that were endured during that childhood.

What is your earliest memory? I hope yours is a good one.

Unfortunately mine isn’t. Stop reading now if you are offended by violence or descriptions of child abuse or sexualization of the underaged.

Still here? If you are just be prepared.

I was crying, naked and hiding. I was scared. I was between the bed and the wall trying to not be found. I was holding a stuffed toy or a blanket. I felt terror.

I screamed as the faceless male pulled me from my hiding place. No one heard my scream except my attacker. I remember blood and pain from my rear end. I remember tears and I remember fear. I don’t remember anything else. I don’t remember who it was.

That is my earliest memory. I know now I was being molested, most likely raped.

The only thing I know about my abuser is it was a male. The rest is blacked out. I’ve never been able to picture his face.

Was this the first time I was sexually abused? I haven’t a clue.

It’s just my first memory. Memory was still spotty for a while after that.

Was it the last time I was sexually abused? No it was not.

During my teen years, starting about 13, I was repeatedly molested by three different males. Two of them were my teachers, one was a trusted neighbor. One I continued having sex with until I was about 17.

…..oh and all three were “straight men”….and one even gave me a constant supply of drugs to keep me coming back.

Oh, and each of these three convinced me I wanted and needed them. Two of them worked their way from suggestive petting to full blow sex.

The other just heavily petted, described what he wanted, told me what he thought I wanted, fondled me through my clothes. He seemed to get off on his verbal graphics and heavy petting without fully completing the act. He actually made me feel the dirtiest and most violated. Yes he repeated this behavior multiple, multiple times. He taught a class I needed to pass.

Why?

Why did it happen? Why is it affecting me now?

Yesterday I lost it. I broke apart. In front of a sister-in-law and in front of my mother-in-law I lost it. I threw a ham across the room after I opened the refrigerator and found it leaking all over. I then threw left over spaghetti sauce and a thawing turkey both onto the counter and against a wall,  then I blacked out into a crying heap on the floor.

I remember The Better Half getting me up and walking to get me to the bedroom. I remember tears and hyperventilating. I remember being numb.

I’m still numb this morning. The pain in my two injured shoulders is more than I can bear. I’m eating Motrin & Tylenol. I hurt all over.

I have, however, had an epiphany. I just saw the news and I suddenly remembered the news was on when I had my breakdown. I remember seeing the report that the current resident of the White House had just endorsed the senate candidate from Alabama who is accused of molesting underaged girls.

Could it be? Did I fall victim to my own experience upon hearing the news that the current White House resident endorsed a child molester? Endorsed a child molester just because he is republican?

Can anger come to full rage causing a full breakdown after news such as this?  I think so.

Abusing children is wrong. A big part of my life struggle is to make sense of why others would hurt me, or any child, to accomplish their own pleasure.

Did the leader of our country just endorse an accused abuser of children? He endorsed abuser accused by more than one? He endorsed a person who stole the innocence of children for his own pleasure,  just for political gain and party loyalty?

Yes, the acting leader of our country endorsed an accused, by more than one, child molester for political party gain. Yes, and I went into full breakdown. Yes my life experience and PTSD got the best of me and overcame my serenity and almost my sanity.

How do I recover? How do I get better after a full blown breakdown?

I start by writing this post.

Child molestation is wrong. It is wrong period.

The scars I have hurt. May they, from this day forward, only make me stronger. I was a victim. Today I’ll be a survivor.

Today I will speak out. I will speak up.

Today I will take a step out of the darkness.

1969

Sesame Street debuted in 1969. I started kindergarten in 1969. In kindergarten we watched Sesame Street. Therefore I thought Sesame Street had always been.

I had a favorite song that year. This is the original 1969 Sesame Street version before the Muppets took it on as their own.

You are so welcome for the ear worm.