Sorry, not sorry, I just have to say this…

As a survivor of multiple and repeated molestations as a child, this U.S. gymnastics molestation debacle is absolutely disgusting.

These strong young women who are testifying right now deserve all of our support and also the justice of correcting this horrible, horrible abuse and crime.

Child molesters are monsters and need to be convicted. Child molesters kill, no they murder, childhood innocence and destroy lives.

Fuck child molesters and even more so …SUPERFUCK THEIR FUCKING ENABLERS… as the enablers are as guilty as the molesters themselves. May they all burn in fucking hell.

There I said it and I do not alologize for speaking truth, truth through my own life experience.

 

Molested

Repeatedly

That’s me as a young boy. You can see me now with Fearsome adorning my face as a shadow in the reflection. The small photo in the corner is my mother and brother during a happy moment of my childhood.

Dont get me wrong, my childhood wasn’t horrible. In fact it was pretty good.

But a pretty good childhood doesn’t erase the scars of sexual molestation and abuse that were endured during that childhood.

What is your earliest memory? I hope yours is a good one.

Unfortunately mine isn’t. Stop reading now if you are offended by violence or descriptions of child abuse or sexualization of the underaged.

Still here? If you are just be prepared.

I was crying, naked and hiding. I was scared. I was between the bed and the wall trying to not be found. I was holding a stuffed toy or a blanket. I felt terror.

I screamed as the faceless male pulled me from my hiding place. No one heard my scream except my attacker. I remember blood and pain from my rear end. I remember tears and I remember fear. I don’t remember anything else. I don’t remember who it was.

That is my earliest memory. I know now I was being molested, most likely raped.

The only thing I know about my abuser is it was a male. The rest is blacked out. I’ve never been able to picture his face.

Was this the first time I was sexually abused? I haven’t a clue.

It’s just my first memory. Memory was still spotty for a while after that.

Was it the last time I was sexually abused? No it was not.

During my teen years, starting about 13, I was repeatedly molested by three different males. Two of them were my teachers, one was a trusted neighbor. One I continued having sex with until I was about 17.

…..oh and all three were “straight men”….and one even gave me a constant supply of drugs to keep me coming back.

Oh, and each of these three convinced me I wanted and needed them. Two of them worked their way from suggestive petting to full blow sex.

The other just heavily petted, described what he wanted, told me what he thought I wanted, fondled me through my clothes. He seemed to get off on his verbal graphics and heavy petting without fully completing the act. He actually made me feel the dirtiest and most violated. Yes he repeated this behavior multiple, multiple times. He taught a class I needed to pass.

Why?

Why did it happen? Why is it affecting me now?

Yesterday I lost it. I broke apart. In front of a sister-in-law and in front of my mother-in-law I lost it. I threw a ham across the room after I opened the refrigerator and found it leaking all over. I then threw left over spaghetti sauce and a thawing turkey both onto the counter and against a wall,  then I blacked out into a crying heap on the floor.

I remember The Better Half getting me up and walking to get me to the bedroom. I remember tears and hyperventilating. I remember being numb.

I’m still numb this morning. The pain in my two injured shoulders is more than I can bear. I’m eating Motrin & Tylenol. I hurt all over.

I have, however, had an epiphany. I just saw the news and I suddenly remembered the news was on when I had my breakdown. I remember seeing the report that the current resident of the White House had just endorsed the senate candidate from Alabama who is accused of molesting underaged girls.

Could it be? Did I fall victim to my own experience upon hearing the news that the current White House resident endorsed a child molester? Endorsed a child molester just because he is republican?

Can anger come to full rage causing a full breakdown after news such as this?  I think so.

Abusing children is wrong. A big part of my life struggle is to make sense of why others would hurt me, or any child, to accomplish their own pleasure.

Did the leader of our country just endorse an accused abuser of children? He endorsed abuser accused by more than one? He endorsed a person who stole the innocence of children for his own pleasure,  just for political gain and party loyalty?

Yes, the acting leader of our country endorsed an accused, by more than one, child molester for political party gain. Yes, and I went into full breakdown. Yes my life experience and PTSD got the best of me and overcame my serenity and almost my sanity.

How do I recover? How do I get better after a full blown breakdown?

I start by writing this post.

Child molestation is wrong. It is wrong period.

The scars I have hurt. May they, from this day forward, only make me stronger. I was a victim. Today I’ll be a survivor.

Today I will speak out. I will speak up.

Today I will take a step out of the darkness.

Flawed

I am human. I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. I do not want to be perfect.

I, however, do want to be better. I am capable of improvement. I will do better.

These are choices. I choose to be honest with myself and those around me that I am not, nor will ever be, perfect. I choose to choose improvement. I choose to work toward betterment.

I have to accept that others are not perfect. I have to accept that others do not realize they are not perfect or that others may not choose to better themselves. I must realize that we are all human and thus flawed.

Where is this coming from? What am I actually contemplating here?

I am resolving an internal conflict about news I just encountered on this here internet thingy. It’s news about another of those accused and convicted child molesters. This one is not from Penn State but from television advertising of Subway sandwiches. Like my post about Jerry Sandusky, I was not there to actually witness Jared Fogle’s crimes and if his convictions are overturned I will post a retraction but since he is currently a convicted felon by the courts I will write a post about his actions.

Unlike Mr. Sandusky, Mr. Fogle’s is not appealing his conviction but allegedly defending himself in a civil lawsuit brought about by a victim seeking damages. I am actually relieved he isn’t appealing a conviction but am disturbed by the choice of defense in the civil suit. Choosing to blame the victims parents he alleges didn’t give the victim a proper home life thus leaving her wounded and available for his abuse? This somehow absolves him of monetary damage?

I am not familiar with the home life or the parents of the victim. I do not know the victim nor Mr. Fogle. He still abused her, she did not abuse him.

My old wounds of childhood abuse will always be with me. I realize that news like this will always lead me to revisit this part of my past in some way or another. I have to be grateful that I make better choices. I choose to take responsibility for my actions. In my quest  for betterment of myself I must strive to not blame others for what was ultimately my decision and my action, even if others were less than perfect.

 

Where there is smoke, there is usually fire

Warning:

This post is about men who hold positions of authority who abuse that position and molest young boys.

I have a bias against this man:

Current convicted felon and former Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky.

Current convicted felon and former Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky.

I have a bias because I was molested by men who held, what I perceived, to be important positions of authority when I was at the impressionable ages of 12-14 years. I have a bias because Mr. Sandusky has been convicted in a court of law. The situations around his case brought back many painful memories. The possible cover up issues that swirl around his case remind me of the cover up that went on around the men who molested me.

To say I have a tender spot around this subject would be an understatement. Just when this had all died down and I thought that the reopening of my wound by the news of this story had subsided, I find this news of Mr. Sandusky’s appeal.

Wounds are reopened again. Does Mr. Sandusky have the right to appeal? Why yes he does, the appeal process is one of the great parts of a fair and just legal system. Do I have the right to my opinion through my own experiences? Why yes I do. Was Mr. Sandusky one of my perpetrators? No. Were his practices and actions similar to my perpetrators? Yes. Can I say for sure he is guilty as convicted by a court? No, I wasn’t witness to his actions nor was I present at his trial. Can I have an opinion that he is guilty as was found in that court of law? Yes I can.

First…Why do I write this? Second…Why do I post about such a tragedy of abuse? Third…Why do I choose to use Mr. Sandusky’s plight to express my hurt, anger and frustration on this subject?

First I will start with the last question: I choose Mr. Sandusky only because he has been convicted in a court of law and is currently serving time as a felon for this crime. I choose him because he opened the can of worms through his choosing to use his right to appeal. I choose him because the descriptions of the situations he put himself in, which are widely known, were all to common with what I myself experienced as a victim of other child molesting men. Should Mr. Sandusky win his appeal and be resolved of all crimes to which he has been accused and convicted regarding his abuse of young impressionable boys, I will amend this post with an update and an apology for using him and his case as post fodder for a subject that obviously affects me deeper than I have given realization.

Back to the first question: I write this because when I saw the news that Mr. Sandusky had filed for appeal I had a visceral reaction. My reaction helped me to realize the depth of the pain I feel to this day from actions inflicted upon me by those obviously self loathing men that molested me. For years I internalized it, justified it and took responsibility for it. Yes took responsibility for it in that I took the blame. I blamed myself for it because I was gay therefore I wanted them to molest me. I took the blame for it in that I was alone and lonely and wanted their approval. I took the blame for it in that I needed them and what they could do to advance me and help me in school.

For that second question: I post about the tragedy that is child sexual abuse because it needs to be talked about. It needs to be said that IT’S NOT OK. It also needs to be said its not ok to cover it up, look the other way and it’s not ok to say nothing. I raise my voice in hopes that one child isn’t molested because my voice helped someone to say something, do something to stop it.

I realize now that as a child, in fact until I was at this very moment, I didn’t have the capacity to step up and take the responsibility to say yes I am one of those boys. I choose to not take responsibility for what those twisted adults did to me, but to take responsibility for speaking out and raising awareness for those who can’t. Those men took my innocence. They took my virginity and exploited it for their selfish adult pleasure.

By writing this I take the first step toward taking it back. The men who molested me, and many others I am sure, are long dead. The ones who aided them by covering it up or simply saying nothing are gone as well. I have no need in opening that pandora’s box.

When a lonely and outcast young boy finds the acceptance of an adult male he is powerless for he yearns for some sort of acceptance, whatever it may be. When that adult takes advantage, the boy (or girl) becomes more powerless. Once violated, the youth is lost in isolated oblivion that can remain a prison for years and sometimes a secret for life. A secret that destroys from within.

Where there is smoke, there isn’t usually a fire, there IS fire. When you see smoke, say something before the fire gets out of control.

 

UPDATE: I realize after posting that in case an individual, male or female, who may find this post who themselves are underage and a victim…You Are Not Alone. Speak up, you deserve help. Realize that by speaking up you are not only helping yourself but those who haven’t the courage to or are the next victims behind you. You have a voice.

Old wounds

This was not my intended post today. Warning, this is heavy and emotional for me. It’s time and I need to put this out in writing. This is my personal blog. I am willing for it to be read but you have been warned. This is not the usual uplifting inspirational beard post. Move on if you want something light and come back to a different post at a different time.

 

So Spotlight won best picture.

I haven’t seen Spotlight. I actually haven’t seen Spotlight for personal reasons. I have a feeling I may not be the only one.

Maybe it’s time to come out. Maybe now that I’m in my fifties that I look at what happened, how it affected me and how I choose to move on.

No it wasn’t priests. Not that I remember it wasn’t. My family was Protestant so most likely not a priest. The fact that this movie deals with priests does not matter. It deals with child molestation and cover up which is what matters. The Catholic Church is not the only institution guilty of allowing molesters to continue their crime. A crime of theft. Theft of innocence, self esteem and honesty.

The molested child learns to hide feelings, lie, feel shame and comes to believe they are the guilty one.  The molested child  looses any sense of self and any sense of trust in adults. The bewilderment and internal pain are, at least for me, indescribable.

For me it was the neighbor who always had young boys at his house that no one questioned. The two teachers that had been there for years and stayed there years after that and were never confronted, investigated or reprimanded. None of these were single incidents but repeated over and over. Once controlled by the power the molester wields over the child, these repeat.

Then there is one I don’t remember. I remember the molestation, but not the face. I remember the pain, fear and bewilderment ….but not the face. I’ve been haunted by this for as long as I can remember. I was very young. I remember the act but the face, time and place is blacked out of my memory. The feeling, pain and the fear are vivid in my memory. I also have the distinct feeling this was an ongoing incident as well.

I applaud the makers of the film for addressing a fact of our society that needs to be addressed. I applaud them for apparently doing it so well that they win the top award for the film. I applaud them for hopefully taking us one step closer to a world of justice that is free of this abuse of some of the most innocent of our world.

I’m now one step closer to moving past this particular haunting of my psyche. I’m out. I am a survivor of sexual molestation. I’m still not ready to see this film. Maybe it will be good for me to watch it alone at home once it’s on iTunes. Definately not a film that I should view in a public space.

I’ve never really shared about this with anyone other than The Better Half. I don’t even remember if I’ve shared this much with him. This is something I do not talk about. This is something I need to share and talk about. If I can help one person who is also in this isolated loneliness, I have started to turn my lemon into lemonade.

Yes as a child I was a victim of someone else’s abuse. Today I am not a victim. I must realize that the wounds are still there deep inside of me or I would not have had an issue with this movie’s subject matter. Before today I had hoped this film would fade away into film oblivion. Well it didn’t. The fact it didn’t is my opportunity to realize that it may be good for me to look at my past in a way to help myself improve and maybe help another on the same path.