Loving oneself

Growing up gay ain’t easy. Growing up gay the first things I learned is that I was wrong.

I was wrong for being scared the ball would hit me. I was wrong for twirling the baton. I was wrong for wanting to take dance lessons. I was wrong for having a knack for color and redecorating my room over and over. I was wrong for being in the band and wanting to be the drum major …right up front. I was wrong for knowing the answers and being a good student. I was wrong for crushing on boys. I was wrong for just wanting to hang out with girls playing mystery date and gossiping. I was wrong for simply being me.

I learned to hate myself. I learned to hide myself. I learned to lie. I learned to loathe, loathe myself. I learned that I should try to be something I wasn’t.

Luckily I found a way to appreciate who and what I was. Luckily I learned it was ok to be gay. Luckily I got on my feet before I harmed myself in any permanent way.

However the scars remain.

It was those individuals before me that took a stand and they cleared a path. A path that I could follow to live better. I could learn to accept myself and one day love myself. I could learn and allow those scars to become strength.

However it isn’t easy.

It doesn’t have to be easy. I just must remember to keep moving forward and to love myself. To keep moving forward and broaden the path for others behind me.

Pride month isn’t about flagrant narcissistic pride. Pride month is about loving yourself and loving others. Loving yourself for being simply who you are and loving others for simply being who they are.

Oh…and I must remember that I am enough.

8 thoughts on “Loving oneself

  1. growing up, I was told I was stupid, slow, ugly. I was told I would never amount to anything. these words of hate came from my own parents (!), teachers, other adults, my ex-husband. FUCK THEM ALL! I PROVED THEM WRONG!

    I love you just the way you are. I love all my friends like that. and I would NEVER want them to change a single thing. BIG PRIDE SMOOCHES!

  2. Thanks for the thoughtful post. Growing up gay isn’t easy. The hardest part for me was the self-hate. It has taken me a long time to simply accept myself for being me. It has been a long hard struggle.

  3. You and I are very similar. I, too, wanted to be drum major and was my senior year. I endured a great deal of bullying. of course back then we didn’t call it that. I created a fantasy world for myself where I was going to “show” all of those haters one day. It was not a realistic thing for me to do but helped me to make it through the rough times in high school. The self hate that so many talk about it all too real. I still deal with this today at the ripe old age of 53! You’d think it would stop but I have never really lived a true life. Sorry to ramble. Thanks for all you do. Give Fearsome some loves!

  4. What a heartfelt and beautifully articulated post! I believe many of us share these experiences and share the same scars. Finding the way to self-acceptance and self-love is a journey we will probably never complete, but will hopefully enjoy walking.

    P.S. That’s my all-time favorite film. Its message is so powerful.

  5. Thank you for sharing this excellent post. I too unfortunately shared many of the same experiences you described. I was in a drum and bugle corps, but never made to drum major. When I wasn’t in school or marching in competition I could be found in the basement of our home enjoying being by myself with who I was, hiding my secret and trying to stay safe. Learning to love myself eventually won. You are correct in what you say about the scars. Now i wear them proudly. Everyone deserve equality.
    Happy Pride!

  6. given how many people love and are attractive to you I propose you are have so much more than enough you are overflowing with abundance

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