Darkness

I don’t often write about depression. I try my best to always stay on the sunny side. I believe that on which we focus our energy is what we will experience the most. I prefer a positive outlook and experience, thus I focus my energies on that path and rarely on the other.

I do believe in feeling ones feelings in order to heal and move on from situations or moods that are less that Pollyanna. I’m less than Pollyanna at the moment.

I’ve avoided writing about it, as I just expressed my belief about focus. Yet I also just conveyed the necessity to allow feelings as a method toward healing. I recognize this moment’s need to heal.

There are circumstances beyond my control which affect my psyche that are now coupled with frustrations in the s-l-o-w and sometimes painful recovery that is my shoulder surgery, the trickiness of a fifty something lower back that due to surgery recovery misses its regular yoga (read: spasms, sciatica & pain), the persistent pain of the overused other shoulder, recent death of my brother,  a lackluster year of sales performance and the mounting pile of work ahead.

Another blogger just posted about playing the slots. This week when I pulled my one arm bandit’s handle instead of a line full of cherries, my playline came up with all the forementioned jokers.

Once upon a time I experienced a long lasting depression that required medications and regular counseling. Those days are long gone. For many a year now the occasional depressive cycle is short lived, say a week at maximum, and thankfully rare.

I had almost forgotten the darkness. The utter black darkness.

My experience of depression manifests as follows…

…Everything appears darker as in a lack of light. It is harder for me to see and I mean physically see. I can only see a small area in front of me as if I have blinders on and peripheral vision is completely lost. I feel as if I am in a tunnel. I feel closed in as in claustrophobic. Everything is slow. Then everything is fast and I am slow. I cannot focus on tasks or thoughts or vision. I think irrational thoughts. I feel isolated. I cry easily. I take things personally. I loose my sense of purpose and motivation.  I think about self harm (no worries I don’t do). I wonder why? I hurt. Every task seems hard. I’m easily distracted. I get anxious then complacent all in one moment. I want to nap. My temper is short. I am self conscious. Everything is my fault. I’m deafeated. Color drains from my world and my usual sense of wonder is replaced with a sense of doom.

If you are new to Fearsome Beard you may be clicking off of here about now.

Don’t.

This is not our typical post. This is a cleansing.

How do I now change my mental state? How do I flip my switch? How do I get back to me? How do I regain that fun loving positive smiling wonder filled person that I love?

I take a step. Today I decided that step is to come clean and reveal that my beloved Pollyanna state that I relish is just that. It’s a state, a cycle, a mood, an outlook, a feeling that I move in and out of. It is a state that I choose. It is a state that I can manifest and spend MOST of my life experience in, however my experience does cycle. I am human. I am not perfect. I can only improve myself as I’ll never perfect myself.

Hell, I would never want to be perfect.

I have shared in previous posts about vulnerability and my belief that we can develope strength through vulnerability. I am vulnerable right now. May this vulnerability build just a little tiny bit more strength in the fabric of me. Through sharing, may this vulnerablity touch someone else.

The best, and truthfully only, way out of any dark hole is to start to climb. Often if I can give or be of service to others along that climb I find the climb easier and faster. When I find something, just one thing, I can be grateful for … that will bring gratitude into the climb which will make it even easier. If I can be kind to myself and forgive myself for simply being human, my climb becomes more efficient.

I must remember that I am the only one who chooses my thoughts, perceptions and reactions. I am the only one in control of my beliefs. I am shaped by my thoughts, perceptions and reactions which in turn help me define my beliefs. What I think right now, can and will become my tomorrow. The only way to change tomorrow is to change my thoughts today. My thoughts really do become reality.

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17 thoughts on “Darkness

  1. Thank you for that. Thank you for your bravery. For all of us who have been down that black hole, and who may again someday, it’s nice to know we are not alone. You are not alone.

  2. Thank you for writing about this. I’ve had a couple of major depressive episodes that almost led to total breakdowns. I suffer from OCD and anxiety (both of which are under control thanks to medication ) and I know about the darkness you speak of. You are not alone. Please be kind to yourself and see a doctor, if necessary. And continue to share your human vulnerabilities–they are part of your beauty. xxo

  3. Thank you for this. It’s an ongoing battle for a lot of us. I’m still keeping my head above water nowadays, but there have been times when I’ve been most unpleasant to be around because of my own depression or whatever is bothering me.

    Hang in there.

  4. Well said, We are all grateful for your writing, for making a daily difference for us. For helping us to recognize that our cycles impact our lives. THANK YOU, The sun will rise again.

  5. I’ve had times when I wanted to put a gun to my head. But things always got better for me. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

  6. Two reasons your blog is great (two among the many reasons) is that 1. By purging it helps you to release the darkness leaving room for the light to re-enter ; and 2. It helps the less enlightened among us readers know that everybody, and I mean everybody, can experience bad times and survive afterward.

  7. It is important for people to know how depression shows up, since it can be much more severe than just a “mood”. I appreciate you sharing your experience, and am glad that you are spending more time in the light these days.

  8. Your description of what your depression is like is so clear, and so familiar to those of us who have experienced that darkness. What comes through loud and clear in this writing is your strength and determination, and willingness to do whatever it takes to keep moving forward. One step at a time. I wholeheartedly agree with you on those first two steps out of the ‘dark hole’; to move the focus from inward to outward in the form of helping and serving others, and acknowledging things to be grateful for. I know that’s hard when you’re also battling constant physical pain. Thank you for sharing, I hope you’re days are getting brighter.

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