Month: October 2016

Andy

/ fearsomebeard / 11 Comments

Yesterday I found a new (to me) blog called Raising my Rainbow. I found it while wading through the train wreck of negative political crap that I can’t seem to stop looking at these days over on The Huffington Post. There was a post that caught Fearsome’s attention…could that be a post about a positive, touching and inspirational story? Fearsome reminded me, as he sometimes has to, that we need to be focusing on the good not the bad. He convinced me to click on the story.

The post led me to the actual blog from whence it came. A beautiful blog written by a loving mother about raising her son, life with her family and moving through a world that sometimes places upon us stereotypes and expectations. A blog so touching to me that I immediately added it to the Fearsome Buds blogroll for easy access.

Anywhoo, you can catch up with that story by either reading the re-blogging of the story that led us there yesterday or by clicking on the link labeled “blog” above or simply click the new Raising my Rainbow link over in Fearsome Buds.

Who is Andy? Well he’s not the boy from the blog. Andy is someone that was once very dear to me whom I lost tragically many many years ago. The new blog I found flooded me with emotion, emotions surrounding memories of Andy.

While in high school Andy showed up in one of my classes one day back about 1981. There was no missing Andy. From his outrageous clothes, flamboyant voice, dramatically gestured movements to his coal black dyed hair and eyeliner there was no way to miss him. We instantly became close friends. While he turned heads as we walked by no one even questioned as to why I walked with him. It was very early in the 1980s, I was only in high school but I was out and proud. Gay as a goose and everyone knew it.

You see after a very tumultuous junior high experience where I had been ridiculed for being different, in high school I had embraced my differences and found that once I owned my gayness it took the power out of the name calling and suddenly I was ok. In fact in some circles I was the cool token. Andy had already embraced this before he landed at our high school. Even though he raised more eyebrows than I did and was way more flamboyant than I, he was ok. Unfortunate was what landed Andy at our high school.

Andy’s grandparents and uncle shared a duplex about two blocks from my home. Andy’s uncle on one side and his grandparents on the other. Andy’s uncle had taken him in at the request of Andy’s parents. You see they were strict Greek Othodox and Andy wasn’t accepted by his parents. His uncle, who was not gay, was his only hope as his parents no longer wanted him in their home nor around his one year younger brother. Andy was a black sheep and in their eyes not good for the perfect jock model son younger brother.

While Andy could handle high school and the occasional insult or cruel remark, he was deeply wounded by the rejection of his parents. I had my challenges as I was gay. Andy wasn’t only gay but also gender non-conforming. Back in the early 1980s in small town Virginia we had never heard of gender non-conforming. Andy was considered a freak. I loved him for who he was and so did several others that we hung with. He was hilarious and always having a good time. He did pretty well getting along at school. His parents tormented him.

Andy and I grew close. I got to see the other side of Andy that the casual high school friends didn’t. I got to know the wounded, battered, damaged vulnerable Andy. Andy just wanted to be loved by the people that he called mom and dad. Mom and dad ridiculed him just for simply being who he was. They called him a sinner and a disgrace. Thank god for Andy’s uncle Marty. If it wasn’t for Marty I’m afraid Andy would have been another teen suicide.

Occaisionally Andy would act out. I mean who wouldn’t? We were young and alcohol and drugs were just starting to enter our lives. Andy loved the escape. Overall though he didn’t take it too far. We had fun.

It was about six months into the school year and or newfound friendship, Andy didn’t show up to school. Not unusual as his attendance was mediocre at best. I mean he lived with his uncle and he could get depressed. Then I got the news. Andy was dead.

Andy’s brother had come to spend the night with the grandparents. Andy and his brother were close when mom and dad weren’t in the way. They were only a year apart for god sakes. They had taken one of the cars, a convertible Pontiac Gran Ville, out for the evening. Two brothers on the town. Andy’s brother was driving and apparently lost control of the car on a windy rural road… a road that actually was one of my favorites. The car had flipped and both boys were killed instantly.

1976 Pontiac Grand Ville

1976 Pontiac Gran Ville

I had only known Andy for about six months but we had become the best of friends. My friend Cathy drove me to the funeral home. There was a huge crowd of people. As we approached the door I could see through the open double doors that there were two caskets, one on each end of a long room. One end was full of people, flowers and distraught family. On the other end of the room sat Andy’s casket. Andy had just a few flowers by his casket. It was open I could see he was dressed in a conservative suit. He would have never ever worn anything remotely like that suit. There wasn’t anyone by Andy’s casket. Cathy immediately commented to me about this horrible sight. Then the arm grabbed me.

“You are not welcome here” a stern voice said to us as we were stopped in our tracks. I was shocked, Cathy wasn’t having it. She immediately asked “Why?” “You, your kind, you are not welcome here” was the reply as the family member stared right at me. We turned and left, both in tears. Andy was a friend of Cathy’s too.

I’ll never forget the loneliness that Andy described to me in those hours of his despair. I’ll never forget the loneliness I witnessed seeing his lifeless ignored body alone in a casket at the opposite end of a room where his perfect jock model child brother lay in a casket surrounded by flowers, family and tears at the other. I’ll never forget being refused entry into the funeral of a friend.

I know that the family cited religion as to why Andy was rejected. I believe it was ignorance and fear as to why Andy was rejected.

Andy was a blessing in my life. His circumstances are obviously a scar in the fabric that makes up my life. Andy taught me to have an open mind. Andy re-enforced my self expression. Andy showed me the healing power of laughter. Andy demonstrated making the best one can out of a situation, even when it hurts. Andy helped me to gain courage. Andy shared vulnerability. Andy made me appreciate my family, my life and my circumstances.

Blessed be the parents that accept their children with open hearts, open minds and unconditional love. Blessed be the parents that embrace their child’s differences and encourage their children to be just who they are. Blessed be the parents that share their experiences thus opening minds and enriching the lives of others. Blessed be the parents who change minds and grow understanding.

Andy never got to see Ru Paul’s drag race. Hell, Andy never got to see a drag show. If Andy had …he would have been up on that stage and starring in the next show. This Halloween whether C.J. knows it or not, Andy is right beside him cheering him on.

 

Trick-or-Treating Purse First

/ fearsomebeard / 3 Comments

Heartwarming story about a determined creative and his awesome mother.

raisingmyrainbow's avatarRaising My Rainbow

Halloween is a night for boys to dress up as their heroes: firefighters, police officers, military personnel, baseball players and superheroes. My nine-year-old son C.J. is no different from most boys. He’ll dress up as his hero for Halloween. His hero is Bob The Drag Queen.

Bob The Drag Queen is the winner of the most recent season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Bob, RuPaul and all the queens are brave, strong heroes for my rainbow son. They’ve taught him to celebrate his uniqueness, cultivate his own style and let criticisms roll off his back. They’ve taught him the importance and power of loving himself. They’ve also taught him a few words and phrases that I’ve told him he can’t use until he’s 18.

C.J. has watched Bob The Drag Queen’s “Purse First” music video more times than I can count (his second favorite video to watch is Alaska’s “Your…

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Voting Ballots and The Magic Eight Ball

/ fearsomebeard / 5 Comments

This is a big election. It’s a big election in every possible way. It’s a big election even in the size of the California ballot. My Ballot was two pages each 18 inches long and double sided. Initiatives and candidates totaled 41 votes.

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I’ve read and reasearched all of them. I made the choices that resonated not only with me, but what I feel was best for our community and what would best benefit our environment. I feel as the species that was gifted with the abilities that we have we are also given the biggest responsibility. My belief is that the biggest resposibility that befalls us is not only all of our fellow inhabitants of the planet but the planet itself. I believe that the greatest wealth is the sharing of wealth. I believe that a society is only as good as it treats those who are the weakest among said society.

Only one proposition left me in such a dilemma that I had to break out the Magic Eight Ball. Seriously. California’s Proposition 64 which would legalize recreational marijuana use tore at me.

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Being a sober man I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve smoked a lot of pot. A lot. Pot wasn’t my drug of choice, booze was, but I always had it around. When I quit drinking I didn’t throw my pot out, but I never picked it up again either. I decided to be sober period.

I know that prohibition was more harm than good when it came liquor. I know that marijuana laws cost the state money. I know that legalizing and taxing pot would increase our states coffers. I don’t truly believe pot should be illegal. That all being said I don’t really believe that making it more available helps society overall nor as a sober person do I desire to promote more use of intoxicants. However I know from my own use that the laws did not stop me and that it was very easy to get. Very.

So I asked my dear Magic Eight Ball that I keep on my coffee table for important life decisions such as this one. “Dear Magic Eight Ball, should I vote to make marijuana legal in California?”

Wouldn’t you know that of all its answers I got this one:

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I cracked up. Reply Hazy…LOL.

Oh how I remember those days!

Happy Birthday Mitzi!

/ fearsomebeard / 7 Comments
Mitzi is 15 today!

Mitzi is 15 today!

Blowing out her candle...

Blowing out her candle…

Everyone wants in on her gift...more Itty Bitty Tennis Balls!

Everyone wants in on her gift…more Itty Bitty Tennis Balls! (And some stuffed pumpkin toys are hiding up on the counter for everyone, Yeah!)

15 years …Mitzi we love you, we wish you a very happy birthday and wish for many healthy loving years ahead!

Tipping point

/ fearsomebeard / 8 Comments

I crossed a big line today. I’ve tipped the point.

Yesterday marked the anniversary of my moving from the east to the west coast. It was the anniversary of equality. I had lived for exactly the amount of time on the west coast as I had on the east coast the day I left. I have lived with The Better Half for each and every day on this here west coast.

As of today I have now lived away from my hometown longer than I lived there. Thus I have also lived with The Better Half longer than any common thread of any possible past current earthly existence.

I love you Better Half. Thank you for caring enough to show me the way to my real home.

Back to life, back to reality

/ fearsomebeard / 11 Comments

The surgery took place July 6. After a couple days I was finally able to give a better description. Now that I’m somewheres about 16 weeks out and in the throws of physical therapy I figured it was about time I started back to the gym. The doctor has been pro PT but anti gym. It’s apparently way too easy to have an accident at the gym and screw up a post op shoulder.

With my history of having been somewhat of a fitness ferret, I was a startin’ to notice some things. Though the weight has stayed exactly what it was the last gym day apparently gravity has started making some changes. There’s a slight appearance of a small gut beginning to form as well as tighter pants. In the mirror I’m noticing the dreaded butt sag. The arms have deflated and the pectorals have lost any form of definition. My poor legs are starting to resemble tooth picks and the back ache is notifying me that the core is loosing its strength.

I decided screw what the doctor says, I gotta get my ass back over to the best gym in the whole wide world. Yes you are correct, that would be World Gym San Diego!

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Fearsome was ecstatic as I could barely contain him as we walked toward our favorite stompin’ grounds. We were greeted immediately with an enthusiastic “where have you been?” by one of the owners who was working the front desk.

It was good to have been missed.

The old school heavy metal rock was blaring. The place was busy as usual. We headed straight upstairs for a twenty minute treadmill walk (no running yet as one fall and all surgery will have been for naught), some stretching of the now tight and stiff muscles, three different abdominal excercises and then some lunges got us started. We headed down to the main gym floor to get in three different leg machines then to the benches for some of my physical therapy excercises for the upper body that involve zero up to no more than 5lb weights.

The shoulder, especially the bicep tenodesis, will not allow the left arm to lift more than 5 pounds until at least January. Damn it felt good to work out. It was fun to see all the usual friendly faces, feel the energy, hear the music, smell the sweat and take in the pure eclectic diversity of the clientele that makes World Gym San Diego one of the best, if not the best gym in the world.

Recovery continues and many days the shoulder is sore, but sore in the good way telling me that I’ve correctly worked my PT exercises. The upper body looks and strength will come back over a slow period but will come. The legs, butt and core can start now on their return to normal. Yoga will come back again in a few more months for my flexibility, core strength enhancement and inner serenity.

I am so blessed with health, strength, recovery, health insurance, home, love, partnership, friends, community, support, puppies, work, country, knowledge, understanding, freedom, money, sobriety, insight and yes of corse Fearsome. I actually found tears of joy streaming down my cheeks and into Fearsome as I drove home.

I cherish them tears as each and every one is an expression of the blessing that is life.

I cherish this blog and my expression.

I cherish you for reading, sharing and loving me back.