Pain, Death, Depression, Anxiety …and Hope

Let me just lay it all out on the table.

Most of the time I spend my Bearded life on the sunny side. Optimist, Pollyanna, Light Hearted, Happy, Positive, Uplifting …these are just a few adjectives that come to mind when I think of how I prefer to live my life.

I truly believe that most of the time I can stay in the positive mindset.

However at this moment I am being realistic. By realistic I mean that I have to admit I am not perfect therefore I will occasionally stumble. My stumble is a slip into negativity. Realistically I can stay positive for the majority of my experience with a rare and short lived negative experience.

My post surgical arm hurts bad this morning. The bicep burns. It woke me up at midnight, I found myself in a pool of sweat and laying there for an hour before giving up and taking a pain pill. I hate pain pills. I am recovering from a head cold. My Big Brother is still a breathing corpse with my poor mother, his wife, my nephew and the Middle Brother all there on death watch. All I can do now is call them and offer long distance support.

This morning I found myself in pain, feeling defeated, feeling helpless, crying, sweating and overwhelmed with anxiety.

Right now I sit on the couch after a good conversation with my friend Catherine. She helped to calm me as does Abner, my little one eyed poodle, who rests in my lap.

This is life. I must walk through it. Most times are good. Once in a great while things will be less than preferred. I must accept that life, like myself, is not perfect.

I now choose to move on as this too shall pass. I choose to inhale. I choose calm. I choose to go with the flow and accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and to work toward the wisdom to know the difference.

Through my current illusion of fear, may I find the truth of hope.

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9 thoughts on “Pain, Death, Depression, Anxiety …and Hope

  1. Having known many hardships, helping others along the way, I’ve learned to keep realism mixed with hope, and often find ways to laugh when things go wrong. The latter lesson learned is the hardest, but that bit of wisdom was gained from one of my all time favourite films starring Mel Brooks and his wife Ann Hathaway: “To Be Or Not To Be.” It is the balancer, a way to cry, laugh and shudder. The world in 1939 in Poland knew Hitler’s invasions were going to land squarely where our characters depicted, and that life itself would be swept, even snuffed, for years thereafter. Another insight from one of my all time favourite authors – Marek Halter – shows the after-effect of Communist occupation in the 40s under Josef Stalin, and a promise he spoke to Halter as a boy that the Jews would have a homeland again. This book (“The Jester and The Kings”) is referenced constantly, and has been since first picking it up in college in the 1970s, as Halter becomes the emissary between very powerful factions to tell the story of barter for middle east peace. Read it and you’ll get why Halter thought himself the Jester.

    Grounding yourself in reality, being vulnerable, keeps your heart and mind open. When we ignore reality we pay a heavy price, because often in the hardship truths are speaking to us. All my life was a preparation of bearing up while others I saw falling away because they refused to be tried and tested (a Fearsome trait). You’ve been there and Fearsome has had to examine the fearful first-hand. In the midst of sorrows, one can bear the burden of the afflicted, grieve at their loss, remember them and share the stories which were highlights of life lived. Many of those I share make others laugh as I’ve known some very odd and funny characters along the journey. Others taught me critical thinking and analysis. Today’s tragedy will be tomorrow’s stories which will bear importance of people remembered with your part in their journey continuing as the storyteller.

  2. I hate to tell you we all have those days in some form or other. And it is fine to just let it out and be negative if must be. It is all a part of well being. But you have a wonderful outlook so I know you will come through. I send you one of a big feely hugs😏😏😏😏

  3. Oh, F.B. I’m lost for words.- other than doling out predictable, anodyne platitudes, so I’ll refrain from those.
    But hearing thoughts like yours does, most constructively, help put all our lives in context, particularly those of us who are going through our own troubles and think we are hard done by. I only have to see the daily news about Syria to know, despite all else, how lucky I am. You bring us a more immediate step closer still by letting us know how profound your own trials are, someone we actually know, and for that at least I’m grateful.
    Keep strong, my friend. You’re ever in our thoughts, and you’ll always be wrapped in warm cuddles.

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