Where there is smoke, there is usually fire

Warning:

This post is about men who hold positions of authority who abuse that position and molest young boys.

I have a bias against this man:

Current convicted felon and former Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky.

Current convicted felon and former Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky.

I have a bias because I was molested by men who held, what I perceived, to be important positions of authority when I was at the impressionable ages of 12-14 years. I have a bias because Mr. Sandusky has been convicted in a court of law. The situations around his case brought back many painful memories. The possible cover up issues that swirl around his case remind me of the cover up that went on around the men who molested me.

To say I have a tender spot around this subject would be an understatement. Just when this had all died down and I thought that the reopening of my wound by the news of this story had subsided, I find this news of Mr. Sandusky’s appeal.

Wounds are reopened again. Does Mr. Sandusky have the right to appeal? Why yes he does, the appeal process is one of the great parts of a fair and just legal system. Do I have the right to my opinion through my own experiences? Why yes I do. Was Mr. Sandusky one of my perpetrators? No. Were his practices and actions similar to my perpetrators? Yes. Can I say for sure he is guilty as convicted by a court? No, I wasn’t witness to his actions nor was I present at his trial. Can I have an opinion that he is guilty as was found in that court of law? Yes I can.

First…Why do I write this? Second…Why do I post about such a tragedy of abuse? Third…Why do I choose to use Mr. Sandusky’s plight to express my hurt, anger and frustration on this subject?

First I will start with the last question: I choose Mr. Sandusky only because he has been convicted in a court of law and is currently serving time as a felon for this crime. I choose him because he opened the can of worms through his choosing to use his right to appeal. I choose him because the descriptions of the situations he put himself in, which are widely known, were all to common with what I myself experienced as a victim of other child molesting men. Should Mr. Sandusky win his appeal and be resolved of all crimes to which he has been accused and convicted regarding his abuse of young impressionable boys, I will amend this post with an update and an apology for using him and his case as post fodder for a subject that obviously affects me deeper than I have given realization.

Back to the first question: I write this because when I saw the news that Mr. Sandusky had filed for appeal I had a visceral reaction. My reaction helped me to realize the depth of the pain I feel to this day from actions inflicted upon me by those obviously self loathing men that molested me. For years I internalized it, justified it and took responsibility for it. Yes took responsibility for it in that I took the blame. I blamed myself for it because I was gay therefore I wanted them to molest me. I took the blame for it in that I was alone and lonely and wanted their approval. I took the blame for it in that I needed them and what they could do to advance me and help me in school.

For that second question: I post about the tragedy that is child sexual abuse because it needs to be talked about. It needs to be said that IT’S NOT OK. It also needs to be said its not ok to cover it up, look the other way and it’s not ok to say nothing. I raise my voice in hopes that one child isn’t molested because my voice helped someone to say something, do something to stop it.

I realize now that as a child, in fact until I was at this very moment, I didn’t have the capacity to step up and take the responsibility to say yes I am one of those boys. I choose to not take responsibility for what those twisted adults did to me, but to take responsibility for speaking out and raising awareness for those who can’t. Those men took my innocence. They took my virginity and exploited it for their selfish adult pleasure.

By writing this I take the first step toward taking it back. The men who molested me, and many others I am sure, are long dead. The ones who aided them by covering it up or simply saying nothing are gone as well. I have no need in opening that pandora’s box.

When a lonely and outcast young boy finds the acceptance of an adult male he is powerless for he yearns for some sort of acceptance, whatever it may be. When that adult takes advantage, the boy (or girl) becomes more powerless. Once violated, the youth is lost in isolated oblivion that can remain a prison for years and sometimes a secret for life. A secret that destroys from within.

Where there is smoke, there isn’t usually a fire, there IS fire. When you see smoke, say something before the fire gets out of control.

 

UPDATE: I realize after posting that in case an individual, male or female, who may find this post who themselves are underage and a victim…You Are Not Alone. Speak up, you deserve help. Realize that by speaking up you are not only helping yourself but those who haven’t the courage to or are the next victims behind you. You have a voice.

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13 thoughts on “Where there is smoke, there is usually fire

  1. Thank you for this post, Fearsome. Be assured that in some way it will help at least one person, but most likely it will help many.

  2. Thank you for speaking up, for speaking out.
    There are all kinds of good reasons for talking;
    You have raised awareness
    Encouraged survivors to speak up
    Brought into the light, what is often kept in the dark

    I worry, I worry about a family member who I am pretty sure was abused, who is to this day unable to speak up. I worry about an acquaintance who said things that should have raised red flags about his interaction with teenagers- and I didn’t say anything (he is dead now) but if I had said something would it have saved one young person, would he have found meaningful help and maybe still be with us. How many have I failed by not seeing the signs and speaking up. .

  3. I commend you for posting about your experiences. It takes a lot of courage to write about molestation. I’m sure this post will help others. If anything, the blame must be put on the molester.

  4. well written ….. I can’t even stand to look at the article much less read it on him. My tormentor is still alive and till this day I can hear his reasoning…. SMH

    • Sorry to hear you know too well of what I speak. Of the three that took advantage of me I do not know for a fact anyone of them have passed. If they are around they are very old now and I’m not going to go down the road to find out. Thanks for speaking out. Hug to you.

  5. We, especially in the LGBT community, have often used the phrase Silence = Death when speaking of HIV/AIDS.
    The same can be said about child abuse; if your words fall on the right ears maybe a child will speak up and the abuse can end.
    That is a great tool, my friend, and thank you for using it.

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