This was not my intended post today. Warning, this is heavy and emotional for me. It’s time and I need to put this out in writing. This is my personal blog. I am willing for it to be read but you have been warned. This is not the usual uplifting inspirational beard post. Move on if you want something light and come back to a different post at a different time.
So Spotlight won best picture.
I haven’t seen Spotlight. I actually haven’t seen Spotlight for personal reasons. I have a feeling I may not be the only one.
Maybe it’s time to come out. Maybe now that I’m in my fifties that I look at what happened, how it affected me and how I choose to move on.
No it wasn’t priests. Not that I remember it wasn’t. My family was Protestant so most likely not a priest. The fact that this movie deals with priests does not matter. It deals with child molestation and cover up which is what matters. The Catholic Church is not the only institution guilty of allowing molesters to continue their crime. A crime of theft. Theft of innocence, self esteem and honesty.
The molested child learns to hide feelings, lie, feel shame and comes to believe they are the guilty one. The molested child looses any sense of self and any sense of trust in adults. The bewilderment and internal pain are, at least for me, indescribable.
For me it was the neighbor who always had young boys at his house that no one questioned. The two teachers that had been there for years and stayed there years after that and were never confronted, investigated or reprimanded. None of these were single incidents but repeated over and over. Once controlled by the power the molester wields over the child, these repeat.
Then there is one I don’t remember. I remember the molestation, but not the face. I remember the pain, fear and bewilderment ….but not the face. I’ve been haunted by this for as long as I can remember. I was very young. I remember the act but the face, time and place is blacked out of my memory. The feeling, pain and the fear are vivid in my memory. I also have the distinct feeling this was an ongoing incident as well.
I applaud the makers of the film for addressing a fact of our society that needs to be addressed. I applaud them for apparently doing it so well that they win the top award for the film. I applaud them for hopefully taking us one step closer to a world of justice that is free of this abuse of some of the most innocent of our world.
I’m now one step closer to moving past this particular haunting of my psyche. I’m out. I am a survivor of sexual molestation. I’m still not ready to see this film. Maybe it will be good for me to watch it alone at home once it’s on iTunes. Definately not a film that I should view in a public space.
I’ve never really shared about this with anyone other than The Better Half. I don’t even remember if I’ve shared this much with him. This is something I do not talk about. This is something I need to share and talk about. If I can help one person who is also in this isolated loneliness, I have started to turn my lemon into lemonade.
Yes as a child I was a victim of someone else’s abuse. Today I am not a victim. I must realize that the wounds are still there deep inside of me or I would not have had an issue with this movie’s subject matter. Before today I had hoped this film would fade away into film oblivion. Well it didn’t. The fact it didn’t is my opportunity to realize that it may be good for me to look at my past in a way to help myself improve and maybe help another on the same path.