Old wounds

This was not my intended post today. Warning, this is heavy and emotional for me. It’s time and I need to put this out in writing. This is my personal blog. I am willing for it to be read but you have been warned. This is not the usual uplifting inspirational beard post. Move on if you want something light and come back to a different post at a different time.

 

So Spotlight won best picture.

I haven’t seen Spotlight. I actually haven’t seen Spotlight for personal reasons. I have a feeling I may not be the only one.

Maybe it’s time to come out. Maybe now that I’m in my fifties that I look at what happened, how it affected me and how I choose to move on.

No it wasn’t priests. Not that I remember it wasn’t. My family was Protestant so most likely not a priest. The fact that this movie deals with priests does not matter. It deals with child molestation and cover up which is what matters. The Catholic Church is not the only institution guilty of allowing molesters to continue their crime. A crime of theft. Theft of innocence, self esteem and honesty.

The molested child learns to hide feelings, lie, feel shame and comes to believe they are the guilty one.  The molested child  looses any sense of self and any sense of trust in adults. The bewilderment and internal pain are, at least for me, indescribable.

For me it was the neighbor who always had young boys at his house that no one questioned. The two teachers that had been there for years and stayed there years after that and were never confronted, investigated or reprimanded. None of these were single incidents but repeated over and over. Once controlled by the power the molester wields over the child, these repeat.

Then there is one I don’t remember. I remember the molestation, but not the face. I remember the pain, fear and bewilderment ….but not the face. I’ve been haunted by this for as long as I can remember. I was very young. I remember the act but the face, time and place is blacked out of my memory. The feeling, pain and the fear are vivid in my memory. I also have the distinct feeling this was an ongoing incident as well.

I applaud the makers of the film for addressing a fact of our society that needs to be addressed. I applaud them for apparently doing it so well that they win the top award for the film. I applaud them for hopefully taking us one step closer to a world of justice that is free of this abuse of some of the most innocent of our world.

I’m now one step closer to moving past this particular haunting of my psyche. I’m out. I am a survivor of sexual molestation. I’m still not ready to see this film. Maybe it will be good for me to watch it alone at home once it’s on iTunes. Definately not a film that I should view in a public space.

I’ve never really shared about this with anyone other than The Better Half. I don’t even remember if I’ve shared this much with him. This is something I do not talk about. This is something I need to share and talk about. If I can help one person who is also in this isolated loneliness, I have started to turn my lemon into lemonade.

Yes as a child I was a victim of someone else’s abuse. Today I am not a victim. I must realize that the wounds are still there deep inside of me or I would not have had an issue with this movie’s subject matter. Before today I had hoped this film would fade away into film oblivion. Well it didn’t. The fact it didn’t is my opportunity to realize that it may be good for me to look at my past in a way to help myself improve and maybe help another on the same path.

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30 thoughts on “Old wounds

  1. bless you, dear fearsome!

    child abuse in ALL FORMS is WRONG! I wish I could lock away in jail for life several of my tormentors, but the abuse happened 40-50 years ago now and it’s my word against theirs. it sux.

  2. My heart breaks for your younger self, but my heart feels that, for you now, today, saying this is a release.
    Secrets are so harmful, and adding your voice to all those other voice,s even the ones who have yet to speak is an amazing thing you’ve done.
    Bravo. Brave.

    • Thank you Bob. I didn’t see that coming. I had planned out a post about my gym and an inspiration I found there. Then I clicked on the news and I fell apart. Funny how one little thing can open one up. I’m glad to finally have the wisdom I need to express the unmentionable.

  3. Thank you for being so open about something so painful. I don’t think anyone here will take away anything but the fact that when someone is abused at any age it is a crime, it is a horror, and it is something that I have helped many people deal with both in and out of religious circles. The fact that you strive to put it behind you and care and love is miraculous in itself, for many have difficulties achieving these things… And understandably so. Truly this is one of the most important things you’ve written and it is something I find both sacred and important. I guarantee others will read this and maybe have an opportunity to uncover the years, the fears, and the potential that others indeed care long after and long pass those horrible days.

  4. Is this something you just realized, or remembered, or your saying it out loud now??? Either way I congratulate you and a HUGE step to healing. And honored you share it with us. Not to mention the strength and courage you may have given a passer by. If you give even one person hope, it was worth it. I hope good vibes and well being to you.

    • It’s been with me all my life. I, like many other children, believed that I was to blame. That I wanted it somehow or had attracted the perpetrator and I was at fault. Honestly I can still feel that I am the guilty one to this day ….which is absurd but that’s what happens to us. Expressing it today will hopefully help me move beyond just that.

  5. I’m sure your heart’s been pounding all day. Your bravery in sharing is commendable; my sympathy for what you experienced.

  6. I think you’re probably exactly the kind of person who would appreciate ‘Spotlight’. I had zero desire to see it (for the most part) and I can’t tell you how much it lifted me up. Honestly. Mark Ruffalo’s passion to dig deeper – and I won’t lie, I teared up at the last scene…..but in a good way.

    • It will be awhile for me. I have very strong aversions to the subject matter. I was in therapy for years and never told the therapist because even as an adult I still blame myself. I’m sure one day I will see it. I truthfully did want the film to just disappear at first.

  7. I have not words that could possibly match yours for either intensity or honesty. Thank you for sharing them, I can only hope that they are a healing force.

    • I think this will be very healing for me in the long run. I’ve needed to let this cat out of the bag and the academy awards helped me to do just that. ….obviously. Thank you for your words.

  8. I can’t find the right words to tell you how upset this post made me. Not upset with you, but upset that yet another child had their whole life changed by a heinous perpetrator. I applaud your courage. I hope this post helped you heal your wounds.

    • Thank you. I don’t mean this in any way to upset anyone. It has been good for me. It was many many years ago and I never ever thought that I’d express it. I only hope that by expressing it I help another as we walk the path together. Everything in my life brought me here to where I am now. It was bad, I’d never ever wish it on anyone. What I must do is acknowledge it and incorporate it into my life in a way to make change for the better. Maybe I can in some way help break the cycle. Hoping that the movie would go away into movie oblivion and that I’d never hear the subject mentioned again is only serving to numb me and help no one, including myself. Coming out of the closet will help healing begin.

  9. Thanks for being brave. You seem to be a very fortunate survivor- a great friend if mine has not been so fortunate. Abused as a child by family members, he functions on a high level, has a beautiful, huge heart and is handsome as hell. But, he can’t form or hold a relationship without it breaking down into violence. Honestly, it breaks my heart thinking about this aspect of his life.

    I’m sure there is a special place in hell for people that harm children like this.

    • The past couple of days have been interesting since I wrote this. Work has been very busy as have my thoughts. I’m glad I came out about this dark secret. Many years ago I had a relationship with another formerly abused child. I didn’t really share as deeply about my past as he did with me. I wasn’t ready but his stories made mine pale in comparison. He eventually became very violent with me, friends and himself. I wouldn’t consider him a survivor as his life was destroyed by it. Our relationship didn’t end well at all. Unfortunately a few years later he ended it all for himself.

      • for the life of me, i can’t fathom how you’ve managed to come out the other side such a strong individual. I’m also glad that the light outside the closet is brighter than you might have imagined.

  10. Thank you braveheart for sharing this.
    I am glad to see the outpour of love and support you have.
    As always you write it well and with tenderness.

  11. I’m heartbroken by what happened to you (and many others) as a child. However, as Bob said, secrets and silence are harmful so I’m glad you’ve ‘come out’ as a survivor. I believe talking about it, while painful, will eventually lead to more recovery. Big hugs!!

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