Old wounds

This was not my intended post today. Warning, this is heavy and emotional for me. It’s time and I need to put this out in writing. This is my personal blog. I am willing for it to be read but you have been warned. This is not the usual uplifting inspirational beard post. Move on if you want something light and come back to a different post at a different time.


So Spotlight won best picture.

I haven’t seen Spotlight. I actually haven’t seen Spotlight for personal reasons. I have a feeling I may not be the only one.

Maybe it’s time to come out. Maybe now that I’m in my fifties that I look at what happened, how it affected me and how I choose to move on.

No it wasn’t priests. Not that I remember it wasn’t. My family was Protestant so most likely not a priest. The fact that this movie deals with priests does not matter. It deals with child molestation and cover up which is what matters. The Catholic Church is not the only institution guilty of allowing molesters to continue their crime. A crime of theft. Theft of innocence, self esteem and honesty.

The molested child learns to hide feelings, lie, feel shame and comes to believe they are the guilty one.  The molested child  looses any sense of self and any sense of trust in adults. The bewilderment and internal pain are, at least for me, indescribable.

For me it was the neighbor who always had young boys at his house that no one questioned. The two teachers that had been there for years and stayed there years after that and were never confronted, investigated or reprimanded. None of these were single incidents but repeated over and over. Once controlled by the power the molester wields over the child, these repeat.

Then there is one I don’t remember. I remember the molestation, but not the face. I remember the pain, fear and bewilderment ….but not the face. I’ve been haunted by this for as long as I can remember. I was very young. I remember the act but the face, time and place is blacked out of my memory. The feeling, pain and the fear are vivid in my memory. I also have the distinct feeling this was an ongoing incident as well.

I applaud the makers of the film for addressing a fact of our society that needs to be addressed. I applaud them for apparently doing it so well that they win the top award for the film. I applaud them for hopefully taking us one step closer to a world of justice that is free of this abuse of some of the most innocent of our world.

I’m now one step closer to moving past this particular haunting of my psyche. I’m out. I am a survivor of sexual molestation. I’m still not ready to see this film. Maybe it will be good for me to watch it alone at home once it’s on iTunes. Definately not a film that I should view in a public space.

I’ve never really shared about this with anyone other than The Better Half. I don’t even remember if I’ve shared this much with him. This is something I do not talk about. This is something I need to share and talk about. If I can help one person who is also in this isolated loneliness, I have started to turn my lemon into lemonade.

Yes as a child I was a victim of someone else’s abuse. Today I am not a victim. I must realize that the wounds are still there deep inside of me or I would not have had an issue with this movie’s subject matter. Before today I had hoped this film would fade away into film oblivion. Well it didn’t. The fact it didn’t is my opportunity to realize that it may be good for me to look at my past in a way to help myself improve and maybe help another on the same path.

Rich F*cker


Inspired by another blogger, today I contemplate being rich.

First, I am rich in the common way. Money. I’m blessed. I’m not over the top billionaire rich. I’m …wealthy upper middle class comfortable have all I need live in a fantastic neighborhood …rich. No, the car nor the house pictured are mine. I drive a nice 2013 plug in hybrid Ford Fusion Energi with all the bells and whistles. It costs enough for a car. I see no need to spend any more money than that. I expect it to last 7+ish years before my wallet opens (interpreted: my wants outweigh my needs) again for a replacement. The house is a nice size and middle of the road for the nice neighborhood it sits in. It’s nothing fancy, but very nice all the same. We have investments, investment properties, savings accounts, retirement accounts, a trust and we travel often. Life is good.

Does all this monetary wealth bring happiness?

Answer: No.

I’m not going to lie, monetary wealth helps happiness and helps security. It’s freaking great. However monetary wealth is not what makes for a happy life, or a rich life.

I wasn’t born with no silver spoon in my mouth. I’ve spent my days living paycheck to paycheck. I’ve experienced asking the grocery clerk to take items off my bill because I didn’t have the dollars in my wallet. I’ve had huge amounts of credit card debt that I could not afford to pay. I’ve worked a full time job plus two part time jobs just to pay the electric bill & house payment.

I had some of the most wonderful times in my life without a dollar to my name, at least not one that was mine. I think it’s important for me to look back and know it wasn’t the money that made me happy. What made me happy was my focus. My focus was on what I did have. I had friends, family, love, laughter, joy, pets, work, good health, abilities, activities, opportunity, vision, hope and curiosity. If I look at my values today every single item I list resonates.

What actually brings me happiness? Joy? What actually makes my life wealthy and rich?

Answer: Values, values that resonate with my soul. Values that fulfill me, enrich and enlighten me.

How do I realize those values? Acknowledge and feel gratitude for each and every one of them.

Through gratitude for all these blessings, my cup runneth over. My life is full. I am rich. I’m one rich fucker with a beard. Blessed with a Fearsome Beard!


Exercise and contemplation

Workouts are a place I contemplate. Let the endorphins flow and the mind wonder.

Did I leave the stove on? Is that guy over there really doing that? How can I contribute to world peace? Wow, she thinks that looks good on her ass? Oh shit I forgot to call that client back. Oooooh he’s hot! Well look at that they cleaned the mirrors. Should I increase the weight on this machine?

You get it, mostly nonsense.

Once in a while though I do actualy come up with ideas, remember something useful or plan my day ahead. Other times I often think of people places or things of my past and wonder what happened or where they are. Lost friends, lost loves, classmates and coworkers.

Today it was a long lost love from many years ago.  A memory long forgotten, although bittersweet, as vivid today as it was many years ago. I could still smell him and feel the tingle from just that twinkle in his eye.

My gym:

Old photo from One of Fearsome's shorter moments, please don't worry.

Old photo from One of Fearsome’s shorter moments, please don’t worry.

World Gym San Diego plays hard rock throughout and often classic rock as well. When I went to my car to drive home this morning I wanted to continue the classic feel so I tuned my radio accordingly.

Classic Fleetwood Mac would carry me home and carry on that memory from so many years ago. Funny how a song that I so closely related to that love, followed on the radio right after my walk down memory lane. The words, music and rhythms appropriate then and still today.

I sure hope he found love, peace and happiness. I know I did.


Through my own experience I find that one of my greatest challenges in life is reminding myself that I shouldn’t place undue expectations on other persons, places or things. The only thing in life I truly have complete control over is me. I can control what I do, what I expect and how I react. I control these things through choices I make. I cannot make choices for persons or things outside of me. It’s that simple.

As a human I expect. From past experiences I can project certain outcomes. Since I can think, I can make up outcomes that are realistic and also unrealistic. I can make up expectations. Expectations that are realistic and also unrealistic. In my mind, often without the knowledge of others, I place these expectations on things outside of myself. Things or persons to which I have no control. When theses expectations are not met, I am disappointed. Often disappointments become resentments.

Here’s the rub, I am responsible for creating these resentments. No one else created them. I created them through my own made up expectation and my chosen reaction. I play a part in everything in my life weather I created it or not. The part I play is me. If it’s my life, I’m in it.

I must always remember to examine what part I played, to take responsibility and let go of resentment. Period.