Ok, I guess it was bound to happen. I finally cracked. After more than week of holding it together in order to get my mom through the shock of finding dad dead on the couch. Then add all the travel. Coming home and jumping right into work. I guess allowing myself, to distract myself to avoid the inevitable… I am going to grieve my father’s death.
Today I was on the phone with United Airlines re-arranging my next trip out so I can help my mom tie up loose ends and I lost it. I had been very busy with clients all day. I had a half hour to myself and thought I’d call the airlines. My “with clients” face was off, my guard down. Before I knew it I was yelling and crying on the phone with a stranger at United. I apologized after the incident. I told the agent that I appreciate her putting up with me and that I realized I needed to take a couple of days to grieve. She was kind and gave me permission to do so saying “Yes you should give yourself that, you need to grieve.”
My realization is that grief will come. I should allow myself to feel it. I need to process it. I will get better by going through it. I will become stronger because of it. It is ok to express it. I can say “No, I cannot do that for you right now.” It is ok to set boundaries in order for me to feel, heal and grow. I do not need to act as if everything is normal and peachy just 14 days after my father unexpectedly dies six months before the doctor said he would, just four weeks ago.
I can find blessings in this experience, but in order to find and appreciate those blessings, I must first grieve.