Beard police

While vacationing in Ft. Lauderdale I was approached by three different strangers who felt it necessary to share with me that there is a study out stating that beards are full of bacteria, can spread disease and are therefore unhealthy. All were men and all were clean shaven. I politely listened to all of them, shrugged my shoulders and let them know I would not be shaving.

I did go a little further with the third one who stated that’s why he had just shaved his off. He didn’t go away but seemed to want to debate it as if he wanted me to agree and shave mine off. He explained that beards filter the air and hold bacteria close to the skin and act as breeding grounds spreading disease. I finally got rid of him when I commented that he had a full head of hair that was filtering all the bacteria floating out of my beard and holding it close to his head, suggesting it might breed on his scalp and infect him.

I had noticed a couple of news bites on the internet before these encounters, so was aware that there is a beard scare out there. So after three people felt it so necessary to approach a stranger, me, about this public threat I decided to investigate. Turns out that germ phobia is quite a way to get ratings for a local TV news station. 

The current fear of beards apparently comes from a local TV station’s urgent report that a local “scientist” had taken samples from “several” bearded men and found bacteria. I put the “scientist” in quotes because he apparently did not take samples from the facial skin of any clean shaven men to use as a control group.

Germs, bacteria, fungus, viruses and the like are found everywhere. On our skin, inside of our bodies, in our mouths as well as on every surface we touch and in the air we breathe. Our pets have germs, our food has germs as well as the water we drink. In fact the majority of our bodies are microbes that are not actually us. Most microbes are not only harmless but beneficial.

So yes beards have germs. So does every inch of us. One should practice good hygiene and bathe daily, wash the beard in a good shampoo, clean the beard after eating and after sex.

As for the germophobes? There is a reason his name is Fearsome. So keep your unwarranted phobia to yourself and may I suggest you cross the street when you see us coming.

Beard on brothers! You might just scare off a germophobe today! WooHoo!

13 thoughts on “Beard police

  1. This theory (beards have poop in them) has already been debunked as an internet myth. Those guys who approached you were not only inappropriate, but they were also uninformed. Or maybe they were just flirting!

  2. Depressing for anyone who might take their comments to heart. Your restraint was commendable when you could have told them where to get off!.

  3. The thing that amuses me is that some of us have hair on our heads…so we should all shave our heads? 😛
    Those three people sound like they’re part of some beard rapture support group.

  4. Ordinarily I’d have exposed all the villains of such trash talk on the WWWhiskers and Beard Channel…but while in the midst of finalizing things for the family home to go on the market and getting a farmer’s market up and running a bunch of whiskered wise men did the job for me. I exposed the same nonsense at a ‘university’ in New South Wales last year about beards being dirty, and it became the gigantic backlash it deserved to be, discrediting the entire ‘theory’ and causing a new wave of beards growing.

    I love my beard advocacy job – don’t pay at all, but does have a continuously growing crop!

  5. I’d just tell them, if there’s fecal matter in beard, it’s because I’ve been eating ass. I’m guessing that would shut them up.

    • ROFL…maybe then they’d do the ‘sissy run’ – hands waiving in the air fleeing because they had forgotten their attached-to-the-hip cans of Lysol for such a moment’s encounter?

  6. I can’t believe people some people! How rude! First of all, good for you for sticking up for yourself and Fearsome! He is FEARSOME! Secondly, I know you said the one man had a beard previously but had shaved it off. He must have known the care it takes to keep a beard looking nice. It is work – worthwhile work. Thanks for sharing.

  7. This reminds me of an episode of Mythbusters, when they investigated the urban legend that says that a flushing toilet will spray fecal matter everywhere, even — gasp! — onto toothbrushes left in the open in a bathroom. They tested it by keeping toothbrushes in various places in an active bathroom, then sending the toothbrushes to a lab to test for the presence of fecal bacteria.

    The toothbrush on the toilet tank tested positive.

    So did toothbrushes at various distances from the toilet.

    The toothtoothbrush inside the closed medicine cabinet tested positive.

    And the toothbrush in the kitchen up the hall … tested positive.

    Confused by these results, they sent a toothbrush they’d just bought off the shelf inof store to that same lab. That toothbrush tested positive.

    Upon this result, they inquired with the lab, to make sure their methodology was sound.

    The lab kind of shrugged, and said, “It’s a really common bacterium that you had us test for.”

    In that spirit, the medical-journalist that blared “BEARDS ARE FULL OF POO!!!” didn’t quite grasp what was being tested for. And as is usual, the truth is still putting on its boots to go chasing after this lie.

    Snopes knows better. Now you do, too.

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