About a week ago I was contemplating about beliefs and how they can limit us. I challenged myself to look back and see where a belief I had limited me, and how letting go of that belief freed me to grow, change and expand.
Then life happens, I get distracted and when I do try to come back to it, the muse I am looking for is somewhere else and away with the fairies (probably having cocktails without me).
Ok so here I am. I think my muse is here.
I was just thinking back to an old belief that when let go freed me. I was 26 and had been in two relationships. The first one started when I was but 18 and a senior in high school. I met the man of my dreams on the dance floor. We were together for 6 years. He was a wonderful man 5 years my senior. He taught me a lot and helped me grow up. I was very immature. Before we broke up I met what I thought was the ultimate man of my dreams. Big burly Tom of Finland blonde man. Yup found the new one before I left the old one. We were together not quite two years and I found myself stuck in a very abusive both emotionally and physically relationship. I was isolated from my friends, felt I had no way out and was frankly scared of this man. I had purchased a home for us, the one he wanted and I was now imprisoned in this home. I believed that I was nothing without this relationship. I believed I needed him. I believed I had to have a relationship, and especially this one to be anything at all. I believed I was afraid to be on my own and was in fear of what he would do if I left. I believed the only person that could relieve my pain, was the very one who was inflicting it. I was the battered spouse although I couldn’t yet see it.
I was lucky. I did something he didn’t like and to punish me he moved out one day when I was away. I came home to the house and not only was he gone, but everything of his was gone. Not one single thing of mine, just each and every thing of his. I to this day do not know how he did it. He left no note, no info, no way to contact him (note this was over 24 years ago, cell phones and e mail did not exist, only landline phones). I was devastated (or so I thought as at that point I could not see the blessing I had just received).
Well as the typical abuser usually is, that was not the end. After a couple of weeks of trying to put myself back together and not having a clue where he was, he reappeared. Ready to hold me, to comfort me. He had his justified excuses of why he had to do what he did and now that I had learned my lesson he was ready to put it back together. Ok now my mind, my emotions and my sanity were frankly fucked (excuse the graphics but no better way to state the obvious). I will be honest here, I wanted his comfort because I still believed that he and only he could relieve the pain and that I was nothing without a relationship, especially this one with this man. The bruises were forgotten, the scabs on my face from his fingernail scratches were forgotten. But thank god somewhere in me a voice had started to make its way, to be heard very deep in me, telling me that I could not trust this man. The seed had been planted.
I could write pages on this but will now get to my point.
I did let him in a little but kept a wedge in there and would not let him move back in. Then the threats started. He started following me. He threaten to harm himself, harm me, or to harm the few friends I had left at this point. After finding myself stalked and hiding in my neighbors bushes watching as he banged on the windows of my house screaming threats, I finally had witnesses and was able to get the restraining orders. The seed was growing.
I found myself alone for the first time since coming out. I believed I needed to be in a relationship, that it was nothing if I was alone. So I went about meeting anyone who would go out and wanted immediate relationships. I was confused. I was actually alone but didn’t realize it because I had one current boyfriend after another. The abuser drifted although he would occasionally surface with some drama.
I planned a vacation to Key West. I would travel with a friend, not a lover. I would have my own room. My beliefs were changing. I was starting to be ok. Ok with me. Ok alone.
The vacation was incredible. I had the time of my life. I was comfortable. I was me, just me. The next to my last night of the week there I stood on the very top deck of Tea Dance at La Te Da alone and happy. I watched the people below dancing and turned away to look out at the quiet island and the ocean from this rooftop. I then and there decided that I was ok alone. I was complete. I didn’t need anyone else to complete me. I felt a warmth come over me. I felt secure. I had let go of an old belief. I smiled.
As fate has it, when you close one door another opens. As I stood there contemplating and feeling assured in my new decision someone tapped me on the shoulder and said hello. I am still with that man today. My better half walked into my life the minute, the very minute I became comfortable in my own life. I didn’t need him to complete me. I completed myself and was therefore open. We did not know at that moment we would still be together 24+ years later. We did not know that we would be equal companions. All we knew at that moment is we were attracted to each other and we had met Mr. Right Now.
He is still my Mr. Right Now, not my Mr. Right. I don’t complete him, he does not complete me. We compliment each other. We are individuals who are legally married. I let go of a limiting belief. I got a life. And it’s a very very good life.
Fearsome Beard 